It's no secret. I have been trying to lose weight. I feel that I have had some success. I admittedly have not been doing it totally right.
I have been excersising, and eating better things for me than I used to, but I have also NOT been eating. I have been joking with people that, yes, I have anorexia, but it is controlled. I am eating things sometimes, but I have gone for a day or two and only consumed coffee and gum.
Last week, I ate because I was feeling sad, and lonely and weird and bored. I ate and I ate and I ate. I ate until I felt sick. Then I went to the bathroom and I threw up. I felt so good. It felt freeing as It happened. Then I looked at myself as I brushed my teeth and I was so disgusted with myself that I almost was sick again. I sat on the bathroom floor and cried.
Why am I so unhappy with my appearance that I would do this to myself? I see nothing wrong with skipping meals, and I thought that only crazy people would start binging and purging. I hate myself so much right now. Plus, I may have lost a friend yesterday, because I have such a shitty perception of my self that I may have pushed a great person away...
I guess that I am officially crazy now. Why can't I be happy with me as I am?
2 comments:
Whoa! I realize this post was probably not easy to write. Don't try so hard you hurt yourself...
Emotional eating and emotional starving are certainly not easy to manage, especially in a state of transition. Hope things turn out okay, Tracey! Remember you are doing some things right with getting some exercise and eating better foods. That's still some progress.
I know that probably isn't too comforting, so I hope others will step in and help you feel better about yourself. May things get better soon!
I agree - that had to have been soo hard to write and so tempting to take back. I went through starving myself and low self image for years. It's a hard thing to get on top of and it doesn't ever feel like it's gone away. I can tell you that I threw away the scale, took away the extra mirrors and concentrated on the reasons why I liked myself and why my friends liked me. I couldn't find a single reason that had to do with my appearance or my weight.
I like you cause you swing from the hip. It takes balls to swing from the hip. I know. I like your balls. I also like that you have an ability to talk to almost anyone about almost anything. That means you have a big brain. I like your big brain. I also think you type good sentences.
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