I'm sitting here at 2:30 in the morning, Drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper (wishing I had some Amaretto for it) and listening to a man snore, and I'm thinking "How did I get here?".
I mean, I know how I got here... I live here. What I mean is, six months ago I was wondering how I was going to remember to brush my teeth, how I was going to remember to smile, how I was going to remember how to live... My heart ached with each thought, each breath, each motion.
Now, I am starting again, VERY HESITANTLY, I must say, but I am wondering and questioning each move I make to the extent that I am not sure why I am doing this again. It's not that he's a bad guy, or that he deserves to be raked over the coals, but there is this GIANT pink elephant in the room and no one is even noticing it.
I am so scared of making the same mistakes again that I was pushing him away before anything even started. That was beyond unfair to him, I know... But I am so terrified of hurting him. I was talking to a friend about this and she told me that I have to give him a chance. I mean, I want to and I am, but I am so scared. I'm scared of him hurting me, but more of me being super defensive and ruining what I have (or could have) with him.
I don't remember being scared when I started my other relationships. I was excited and happy. It feels like, I let myself forget about everything that happened in 2007 and I get feeling really good, and then something snaps me back and I put up a wall again.
I hope that My heart continues to heal so that I can really love again...
Tonight, He asked me what my dreams are. I replied with "I don't have dreams anymore, they are all nightmares." So he asked again, "No, Really. What are your dreams? What do you want more than anything?" I said, "Why?"
He said, "Because I want to make them come true."
And I am pushing this away?!?!?
2 comments:
Aww, I have dreams too, can he make them come true for me too? I would like a million dollars, and a pony!
I personally like pink elephants.
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