http://jezebel.com/
Friday, September 20, 2013
Is the New Pope Super cool or What!!!
So, Fellow Catholics, (and Non-Catholics too... Don't wanna hurt any feelings), Are you as impressed with our new, Cool as Beyoncé, Pope Francis!!! Dude is kinda awesome. You really can't deny it. For a largely patriarchal, lost in the past organization, He is taking some really cool steps forward!
http://jezebel.com/
http://jezebel.com/
Monday, September 16, 2013
Whoopsie! Foot in mouth, Check!
This weekend, I lost my cool, just a little. The hubster is a Realtor now. Has been for a couple of years, and I think he is a pretty damn good one too. He has done a whole bunch of transactions, and had a whole bunch of happy clients. In general, he is pretty busy. That being said, any Realtor could use more business! haha!
In the last 6 months or so, we have had at least 5 couples that I would have concidered "Friends", (they are all Facebook friends), who have used the services of another person. Not The hubster. After the last ones were bragging about the new place on Facebook, I kinda went ahead and put the ol' foot in the mouth, and made a comment that said:
Friends, I happen to know a pretty wicked awesome Real Estate Agent.
By using him, you keep me fed and watered. If that doesn't inspire you to use him when you are buying or selling property, then think about Penelope. He keeps her fed and watered too!
Just a little disheartening when I see posts about "friends" using other agents. Sad face.
Ok, so here is the problem. The VERY NEXT MORNING, at the fucking Safeway, of all places, I run into the Hubster of the very couple that set me off! I hadn't seen him in a very long time. He then shows me a photo of his truck, (I didn't know he even had a truck!), and it has been vandalized that very night. A giant "Fuck You" was spray painted onto it. Thanks Jesus! That looks pretty bad for me, being pissed, and then his truck gets messed up! Thank god I had an alibi, ya know, in case anyone asked!!! He was kind of acting weird too, like I think he saw the post too...
FML! Why do I always get in this kind of situation!!!
In the last 6 months or so, we have had at least 5 couples that I would have concidered "Friends", (they are all Facebook friends), who have used the services of another person. Not The hubster. After the last ones were bragging about the new place on Facebook, I kinda went ahead and put the ol' foot in the mouth, and made a comment that said:
Friends, I happen to know a pretty wicked awesome Real Estate Agent.
By using him, you keep me fed and watered. If that doesn't inspire you to use him when you are buying or selling property, then think about Penelope. He keeps her fed and watered too!
Just a little disheartening when I see posts about "friends" using other agents. Sad face.
Ok, so here is the problem. The VERY NEXT MORNING, at the fucking Safeway, of all places, I run into the Hubster of the very couple that set me off! I hadn't seen him in a very long time. He then shows me a photo of his truck, (I didn't know he even had a truck!), and it has been vandalized that very night. A giant "Fuck You" was spray painted onto it. Thanks Jesus! That looks pretty bad for me, being pissed, and then his truck gets messed up! Thank god I had an alibi, ya know, in case anyone asked!!! He was kind of acting weird too, like I think he saw the post too...
FML! Why do I always get in this kind of situation!!!
Thursday, September 05, 2013
My reaction to the "FYI (if you are a Teenage Girl)
I am so nauseated right now. I was shown this tonight. Go ahead. Read it and then come back. Be sure to notice that there are two sets of Pictures.
Go on, I'll wait.
Ok, now I then saw this.
Here's why I am shaking and angry at the first "FYI". Why does everyone assume because you have a vagina, you are useless? Why does a girl with confidence scare people? Why do we blame the victim? In Case, after Case, after CASE we make it out to be Boys will be Boys, and the girls were just asking for it.
As someone who, firstly, has a daughter who I want to grow up to be smart and confident and self-assured, and secondly, who was sexually assaulted, it insults me.
Yep, Cat's outta the bag. I was raped. I was a fat teenage girl, who went to a party, wearing a t shirt under a pair of painters bib overalls and I had on a large oversized sweater over the works. I was not "dressed like a slut" or "asking for it". I did have a few drinks, and I was in no condition to give concent. In fact, before, during and after the act, I was crying and saying NO. Repeatedly. I did get quiet for a bit in the middle and just sobbed for a while. All I could picture in my head, was Jason. The boy that I had wanted to lose my virginity to for as long as I knew what sex was. He was my on again, off again boy friend. That is boy - Space - Friend. He was my guy BFF. We were never a full blown item, but he was the one that I had always imagined I would end up with. I kept thinking, "I will never be with Jason if he finds out about this..."
My rapist continued until he finished.
I was devastated.
The following day, he bragged about it to friends. Made me out to be a champ. The things I did were amazing. I was pegged a slut. Everyone knew about it. My two sisters sure knew about it. They called me a slut. My own family. Against me. Yay for small towns where gossip = the truth.
I only ever told four people (before this confession).
So , back to why it is important to tell girls that they must cover up, to protect the poor, defenseless boys from being forced to rape you. FUCK OFF!
It's not short skirts, or alcohol, or slutty girls that cause rape. It MOTHERFUCKING RAPISTS THAT CAUSE RAPE!
I sincerly hope that if you have a son, you are teaching him to respect girls, as much as I am teaching my daughter to respect all HUMANS.
It took me a long time to realize I was not ruined. That I was still worthy of love. That even if my first time was NOTHING like I had spent hours planning and imagining and dreaming of, I was still deserving of having that experience.
"did you know that you are still lovely? Did you know that you are still wonderful? Did you know that you are filled with amazing qualities, amazing capabilities, amazing talents? Did you know that life is full of choices, lessons, love, heartbreak, and adventures…and that all of those are yours to experience."
I did not know that then, and I wish every day for a goddamed time machine, so I can tell myself that I am not royally fucked, and I will be ok. I had a really fucked up lesson that night.....and that is ok. What is not ok, is telling me, or any girl, that WE need to watch OURSELVES because if we don't, any boy could turn all rapey, and THAT is our fault.
So to you, Mrs. Hall, you judgey lady, where is your stone to be throwing? If you are ready to start flinging stones at all the girls who want to be friends with your sons, you had better not be living in a glass house. Us girls are fucking tough, and we will be catching those stones and throwing them back at you!
Go on, I'll wait.
Ok, now I then saw this.
Here's why I am shaking and angry at the first "FYI". Why does everyone assume because you have a vagina, you are useless? Why does a girl with confidence scare people? Why do we blame the victim? In Case, after Case, after CASE we make it out to be Boys will be Boys, and the girls were just asking for it.
As someone who, firstly, has a daughter who I want to grow up to be smart and confident and self-assured, and secondly, who was sexually assaulted, it insults me.
Yep, Cat's outta the bag. I was raped. I was a fat teenage girl, who went to a party, wearing a t shirt under a pair of painters bib overalls and I had on a large oversized sweater over the works. I was not "dressed like a slut" or "asking for it". I did have a few drinks, and I was in no condition to give concent. In fact, before, during and after the act, I was crying and saying NO. Repeatedly. I did get quiet for a bit in the middle and just sobbed for a while. All I could picture in my head, was Jason. The boy that I had wanted to lose my virginity to for as long as I knew what sex was. He was my on again, off again boy friend. That is boy - Space - Friend. He was my guy BFF. We were never a full blown item, but he was the one that I had always imagined I would end up with. I kept thinking, "I will never be with Jason if he finds out about this..."
My rapist continued until he finished.
I was devastated.
The following day, he bragged about it to friends. Made me out to be a champ. The things I did were amazing. I was pegged a slut. Everyone knew about it. My two sisters sure knew about it. They called me a slut. My own family. Against me. Yay for small towns where gossip = the truth.
I only ever told four people (before this confession).
- One of my sisters. She was getting married, and my Rapist was going to be in her wedding party. I told her, so she could convince her Husband-to-be to remove the rapist from the event. I don't know what she said to her husband, but the rapist didn't even get an invite, I don't think...
- My Friend Becky. She was a major support as I worked through the guilt and remorse from all of the after-effects of the assault.
- The man who was to become my husband. I told him and watched as he suppressed the rage and desire to go out and find my rapist, so he could be killed.
- My Aunt. At my Hometown centennial party, she came up to the bar at the caberet with him by her side. When he left, I was enraged that she was friendly to him, and of course, she had no idea why. I told her the cliff notes version and then ended it with, "but I'm over it". I thought I was, really I did, but when the words came out of my mouth, I knew it was a lie.
So , back to why it is important to tell girls that they must cover up, to protect the poor, defenseless boys from being forced to rape you. FUCK OFF!
It's not short skirts, or alcohol, or slutty girls that cause rape. It MOTHERFUCKING RAPISTS THAT CAUSE RAPE!
I sincerly hope that if you have a son, you are teaching him to respect girls, as much as I am teaching my daughter to respect all HUMANS.
It took me a long time to realize I was not ruined. That I was still worthy of love. That even if my first time was NOTHING like I had spent hours planning and imagining and dreaming of, I was still deserving of having that experience.
"did you know that you are still lovely? Did you know that you are still wonderful? Did you know that you are filled with amazing qualities, amazing capabilities, amazing talents? Did you know that life is full of choices, lessons, love, heartbreak, and adventures…and that all of those are yours to experience."
I did not know that then, and I wish every day for a goddamed time machine, so I can tell myself that I am not royally fucked, and I will be ok. I had a really fucked up lesson that night.....and that is ok. What is not ok, is telling me, or any girl, that WE need to watch OURSELVES because if we don't, any boy could turn all rapey, and THAT is our fault.
So to you, Mrs. Hall, you judgey lady, where is your stone to be throwing? If you are ready to start flinging stones at all the girls who want to be friends with your sons, you had better not be living in a glass house. Us girls are fucking tough, and we will be catching those stones and throwing them back at you!
Friday, August 30, 2013
Evolution
Wow....
This feels really strange. Being here, looking at this web form, filling it out, and then soon enough, I will click on the "Publish" button once again.
I miss these moments. They were certainly not all eloquent or brilliant. But they were all me. Me at 27, me as a new mom, me as an almost divorcee... Me. And You, dear reader, dear Friend, are my witness and my mirror. I hope that If I send these thoughts out, that they do not just echo through the darkness, but they come back to me, strengthened by someone else's viewpoint.
I struggle with who I am becoming. I am as genuine as I can be, but it still sometimes feels like I am smiling for the public camera. I don't smile for the camera here. I have been bitchy, and catty, and sweet, and WAAAAYYYY too honest sometimes. (Holy Fuck! I put my name on here too! Shitballs! People will know it is me!!!)
I still struggle with being a parent, (and now she is a very smart, stubborn, beautiful four and a half year old). I struggle with being a wife, (how domesticated am I???) I struggle with being a good leader to my Girl Guide troops, (I want to beat a few of the adults up, because they are acting worse than the 5 year old girls in Sparks!) I struggle BIG time with being a good sister and daughter. (My one sister today came by and dropped off my Darling Daughter's sweater that had been left behind one night at Grandma and Grandpa's house. She told the kid, (who wasn't feeling very well today), that she should "throw up on Mommy". Really??? What the eff? That seemed...harsh.)
To channel My Inner Oprah, What I Know For Sure, is that I have evolved a little. We all do. We HAVE to. If you don't grow and change and evolve, you wither and die. I feel that I have more evolving to do, but I am headed in the right direction... ......I think.
After all this, I really want a Slurpee.
Some things Never Change.
This feels really strange. Being here, looking at this web form, filling it out, and then soon enough, I will click on the "Publish" button once again.
I miss these moments. They were certainly not all eloquent or brilliant. But they were all me. Me at 27, me as a new mom, me as an almost divorcee... Me. And You, dear reader, dear Friend, are my witness and my mirror. I hope that If I send these thoughts out, that they do not just echo through the darkness, but they come back to me, strengthened by someone else's viewpoint.
I struggle with who I am becoming. I am as genuine as I can be, but it still sometimes feels like I am smiling for the public camera. I don't smile for the camera here. I have been bitchy, and catty, and sweet, and WAAAAYYYY too honest sometimes. (Holy Fuck! I put my name on here too! Shitballs! People will know it is me!!!)
I still struggle with being a parent, (and now she is a very smart, stubborn, beautiful four and a half year old). I struggle with being a wife, (how domesticated am I???) I struggle with being a good leader to my Girl Guide troops, (I want to beat a few of the adults up, because they are acting worse than the 5 year old girls in Sparks!) I struggle BIG time with being a good sister and daughter. (My one sister today came by and dropped off my Darling Daughter's sweater that had been left behind one night at Grandma and Grandpa's house. She told the kid, (who wasn't feeling very well today), that she should "throw up on Mommy". Really??? What the eff? That seemed...harsh.)
To channel My Inner Oprah, What I Know For Sure, is that I have evolved a little. We all do. We HAVE to. If you don't grow and change and evolve, you wither and die. I feel that I have more evolving to do, but I am headed in the right direction... ......I think.
After all this, I really want a Slurpee.
Some things Never Change.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Baby No More
My Little One is nearing her 3rd birthday. I am shocked daily by her knowledge and her skills as they develop and sharpen.
She is no longer my baby and not even My Little Girl, as she declares every time I try to call her that. She is my Big Girl! She is "growed up" and is "bigger than before".
I am stuck daily insisting on the afternoon nap, (the one that I DESPERATELY NEED), but she tells me, "Mommy, I no tired!" How do I apply logic to a 2 7/8th year old??? So we have a battle that leads me to keep hissing, "Get On That Couch!!!" and her to reply, "BUT I NO TIRED!!!" until one of us, (me), is too tired to fight, and then she falls asleep in her supper, or in the bath tub, or is a cantankerous turd until bedtime...
But would I really change it???
No.
She runs up to me, for no reason at all, and declares that I am the BEST MUMMY IN THE WORLD!!!
She gives the best hugs right now, and she can reach to tickle my neck.
She kisses and grabs my hand and dances and sings and everything that makes me smile when I need it the most.
In 12 Days, she will turn Three. She will officially be done Toddler-hood. She will be my (gulp!!!) Preschooler!
She is more ready for that than I am.
Don't mind me, I'll be in the corner, silently weeping for a minute! :-)
Good Bye my Baby! Hello My Big Girl!
She is no longer my baby and not even My Little Girl, as she declares every time I try to call her that. She is my Big Girl! She is "growed up" and is "bigger than before".
I am stuck daily insisting on the afternoon nap, (the one that I DESPERATELY NEED), but she tells me, "Mommy, I no tired!" How do I apply logic to a 2 7/8th year old??? So we have a battle that leads me to keep hissing, "Get On That Couch!!!" and her to reply, "BUT I NO TIRED!!!" until one of us, (me), is too tired to fight, and then she falls asleep in her supper, or in the bath tub, or is a cantankerous turd until bedtime...
But would I really change it???
No.
She runs up to me, for no reason at all, and declares that I am the BEST MUMMY IN THE WORLD!!!
She gives the best hugs right now, and she can reach to tickle my neck.
She kisses and grabs my hand and dances and sings and everything that makes me smile when I need it the most.
In 12 Days, she will turn Three. She will officially be done Toddler-hood. She will be my (gulp!!!) Preschooler!
She is more ready for that than I am.
Don't mind me, I'll be in the corner, silently weeping for a minute! :-)
Good Bye my Baby! Hello My Big Girl!
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
Worry? Why Do I Let Myself Worry?
So I am a worrier.
I get it. It's a stupid thing to do. Worrying about something is not useful. It's not actually helping anything to worry. I totally get it.
So I am trying to be a happier person, and stop worrying.
But I am having such a hard time doing that.
I have a friend in her early 30's. She has a sweet and adorable almost 2 year old. She also has a dead husband. That happened suddenly, and with out warning. She has many reasons to worry. She is handling her situation better than I think I would. She is handling her situation better than I am handling any of mine...
Am I looking for a pity party??? I think I am, because when I'm at a party, life is okay. I don't feel alone. I have friends, Tangible friends. I know I have a lot of "acquaintances" and I have a select group of real honest Friends, but I have a suspicion that I keep shutting the door on the good ones, and they are slowly turning away.
I had a friend whom I ADORED!!! She was what I really wanted to be. Smart, approachable, independent, open-minded, funny, loyal, did I mention smart? I am not really sure how it happened, but we stopped going out, and then we stopped calling each other, and then we just stopped...
I miss her so much. I feel a bit lost with out her.
And So I Worry.... About the dumb things, and the big things and things like losing another friend like her.
I get it. It's a stupid thing to do. Worrying about something is not useful. It's not actually helping anything to worry. I totally get it.
So I am trying to be a happier person, and stop worrying.
But I am having such a hard time doing that.
I have a friend in her early 30's. She has a sweet and adorable almost 2 year old. She also has a dead husband. That happened suddenly, and with out warning. She has many reasons to worry. She is handling her situation better than I think I would. She is handling her situation better than I am handling any of mine...
Am I looking for a pity party??? I think I am, because when I'm at a party, life is okay. I don't feel alone. I have friends, Tangible friends. I know I have a lot of "acquaintances" and I have a select group of real honest Friends, but I have a suspicion that I keep shutting the door on the good ones, and they are slowly turning away.
I had a friend whom I ADORED!!! She was what I really wanted to be. Smart, approachable, independent, open-minded, funny, loyal, did I mention smart? I am not really sure how it happened, but we stopped going out, and then we stopped calling each other, and then we just stopped...
I miss her so much. I feel a bit lost with out her.
And So I Worry.... About the dumb things, and the big things and things like losing another friend like her.
Monday, March 05, 2012
Another evening is down the drain...
He Just did it again... After leaving this morning at 8am, he comes back at 7:30pm, sings his daughter a song, reads one story and leaves again.
He was at a bar with a dumbass "friend" of his, who I cannot stand, and He trash talks all the time, instead of coming home and eating supper with us. Then he informs me that he is leaving to go to his cousin's house instead of spending any time with me tonight.
When I show signs of being PISSED, he tells me, (regarding supper that he missed), "I didn't miss anything important!"
FML
No wonder I feel so alone and I am submerged in this depression.
He was at a bar with a dumbass "friend" of his, who I cannot stand, and He trash talks all the time, instead of coming home and eating supper with us. Then he informs me that he is leaving to go to his cousin's house instead of spending any time with me tonight.
When I show signs of being PISSED, he tells me, (regarding supper that he missed), "I didn't miss anything important!"
FML
No wonder I feel so alone and I am submerged in this depression.
Update: Situation kinda Critical...
Hi everyone, or no one as the case usually is...
I am kind of a big fucked up mess, which usually is when I do my best writing.
In September of 2010, I had what was supposed to be a "simple day surgery" and it went horribly wrong. I was in the hospital for almost 3 full weeks, fighting Sepsis and nearly dying and leaving that gorgeous baby girl without a mama. I came home in October of that year to home-care nurses changing my dressings 3 times a day, then 2 times a day in November, and finally no longer coming in December, Just before Christmas.
What did this teach me? I guess to do your homework and be a better-informed patient, and not take a Doctor's word all the time. Also, to appreciate everything that you have. I was so sad to not see my baby every day for the 3 weeks I was in the hospital. She had gone to live with my sister in Medicine Hat, Alberta while I was sick. I was nearly comatose when my Parents and Husband made the decision to send the baby there. I had no say in the matter, so when I woke up and she was gone, I was kinda pissed. Who Sends a Baby away from her Mother!?!?!? But I did understand the predicament that everyone was in. I just wish that She could have stayed here, Closer to me.
The year passes and turns into 2011... And this constant ache in my abdomen slowly fades, (the scars however remained pretty prominent), but I am still in a pretty severe funk.
I end up in the hospital again in October, this time as a Psychiatric patient. I am finally diagnosed as bipolar, (bipolar cyclothymia to be specific), and I am given a prescription for some drugs that FINALLY make me feel somewhat alright. I am particularly fond of my new sleeping pills, Zopiclone!
Which brings us to now.
I have a wonderful girl who is nearly 3 years old, and a husband who switched career paths almost a year ago, and now is working almost all the time, leaving me and the aforementioned child alone (in my opinion) way too often. I feel like a single parent. I know I'm not, and I should be grateful for the nights when the husband bathes the baby, but I always end up with the naughty behavior and the disrespectful outbursts that leave me feeling like a failure as a Mom.
Last week, my cat died. He has been sick, having liver and kidney failures, and it was his time to go. We had scheduled a vet appointment to have him put to sleep. He died the day before his appointment. He was sleeping in the kid's room, and He made this horrible noise. I went to find him, and he was having a seizure. He had 7 seizures in the hour that it took to get him to the vet and put down. Horrific. It was absolutely horrific. I laid on the floor beside him, petting and whispering to him that he was a good boy and I loved him, until someone came to watch the Kid so I could take the poor kitty to the Dr.
I had that stupid cat for nearly half of my life... He was the first Man in my life that I loved. I told him that all the time. He was the best pet you could have asked for. He was independent like all cats, but he still had a snuggly side. He was good to the baby and was super gentle, even when his poor tail or ears were being attacked.
I miss him so much, and I swear, I still see him out of the corner of my eye.
This dumb cat has set my mental health recovery back. I am sad every damn day.
How stupid is that.
I am kind of a big fucked up mess, which usually is when I do my best writing.
In September of 2010, I had what was supposed to be a "simple day surgery" and it went horribly wrong. I was in the hospital for almost 3 full weeks, fighting Sepsis and nearly dying and leaving that gorgeous baby girl without a mama. I came home in October of that year to home-care nurses changing my dressings 3 times a day, then 2 times a day in November, and finally no longer coming in December, Just before Christmas.
What did this teach me? I guess to do your homework and be a better-informed patient, and not take a Doctor's word all the time. Also, to appreciate everything that you have. I was so sad to not see my baby every day for the 3 weeks I was in the hospital. She had gone to live with my sister in Medicine Hat, Alberta while I was sick. I was nearly comatose when my Parents and Husband made the decision to send the baby there. I had no say in the matter, so when I woke up and she was gone, I was kinda pissed. Who Sends a Baby away from her Mother!?!?!? But I did understand the predicament that everyone was in. I just wish that She could have stayed here, Closer to me.
The year passes and turns into 2011... And this constant ache in my abdomen slowly fades, (the scars however remained pretty prominent), but I am still in a pretty severe funk.
I end up in the hospital again in October, this time as a Psychiatric patient. I am finally diagnosed as bipolar, (bipolar cyclothymia to be specific), and I am given a prescription for some drugs that FINALLY make me feel somewhat alright. I am particularly fond of my new sleeping pills, Zopiclone!
Which brings us to now.
I have a wonderful girl who is nearly 3 years old, and a husband who switched career paths almost a year ago, and now is working almost all the time, leaving me and the aforementioned child alone (in my opinion) way too often. I feel like a single parent. I know I'm not, and I should be grateful for the nights when the husband bathes the baby, but I always end up with the naughty behavior and the disrespectful outbursts that leave me feeling like a failure as a Mom.
Last week, my cat died. He has been sick, having liver and kidney failures, and it was his time to go. We had scheduled a vet appointment to have him put to sleep. He died the day before his appointment. He was sleeping in the kid's room, and He made this horrible noise. I went to find him, and he was having a seizure. He had 7 seizures in the hour that it took to get him to the vet and put down. Horrific. It was absolutely horrific. I laid on the floor beside him, petting and whispering to him that he was a good boy and I loved him, until someone came to watch the Kid so I could take the poor kitty to the Dr.
I had that stupid cat for nearly half of my life... He was the first Man in my life that I loved. I told him that all the time. He was the best pet you could have asked for. He was independent like all cats, but he still had a snuggly side. He was good to the baby and was super gentle, even when his poor tail or ears were being attacked.
I miss him so much, and I swear, I still see him out of the corner of my eye.
This dumb cat has set my mental health recovery back. I am sad every damn day.
How stupid is that.
Dedicated to the one I love
I think that it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and
When we kiss they're perfectly aligned.
And I have to speculate
That God himself did make
Us into corresponding shapes
Like puzzles pieces from the clay.
True, it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this
That catch my troubled head
When you're away
When I am missing you to death.
When you were out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home.
They will see us waving
from such great heights
"Come down now,"
They'll say.
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now,"
But we'll stay.
I've tried my best to leave
This all on your machine
But the persistent beat
Sounded thin upon listening
That frankly will not fly.
You will hear the shrillest highs
And lowest lows with the windows down
When this is guiding you home.
They will see us waving
From such great heights
"Come down now,"
They'll say.
But everything looks perfect
From far away
"Come down now,"
But we'll stay...
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Weird posts will automatically be inserted here...
When I took My Hiatus from public Blogging, I kept writing. The Hubby and I had just begun a strange and wonderful stint in Couples Therapy where he asked that I stop writing publically for a while. Of course, I weighed out the pros and cons of making such a sacrifice, and came to the conclusion that I would stop (for a while) but I would be coming back someday.
I kept writing and I have two beautiful spiral notebooks full of notes and thoughts about everything from current events to what I made for supper that night. The saddest part of the break from here, I think, was that I was doing what was called the X-365 project, where I wrote a blurb every day about someone who had been in my life and had left me with a memory, or a story of some variety.
I finished the X-365 project in these notebooks and I am going to transfer them here. I will use the correct dates and there will be random posts appearing because of this. There was a really neat feeling I had while I was finishing this project. It made me really think about the people that I had met in my years on this planet. Some of the stories made me laugh and some made me really sad. I reconnected with a few people because of the project. Others still don't know what I wrote about them. That is why I am going to transcribe the journal entries to here. I thought that all the people I wrote about deserved to see the thoughts I have about them.
I think the rest of the notebooks contents can stay private. That is the compromise I can make to The Hubby. The thoughts I had while we were working on fixing our Broken Mess of a Relationship, and Creating a new beautiful Girl in the process, can stay between us... (for now :-)
I kept writing and I have two beautiful spiral notebooks full of notes and thoughts about everything from current events to what I made for supper that night. The saddest part of the break from here, I think, was that I was doing what was called the X-365 project, where I wrote a blurb every day about someone who had been in my life and had left me with a memory, or a story of some variety.
I finished the X-365 project in these notebooks and I am going to transfer them here. I will use the correct dates and there will be random posts appearing because of this. There was a really neat feeling I had while I was finishing this project. It made me really think about the people that I had met in my years on this planet. Some of the stories made me laugh and some made me really sad. I reconnected with a few people because of the project. Others still don't know what I wrote about them. That is why I am going to transcribe the journal entries to here. I thought that all the people I wrote about deserved to see the thoughts I have about them.
I think the rest of the notebooks contents can stay private. That is the compromise I can make to The Hubby. The thoughts I had while we were working on fixing our Broken Mess of a Relationship, and Creating a new beautiful Girl in the process, can stay between us... (for now :-)
Saturday, May 22, 2010
FML this week...
This last couple of weeks has been really long. I mean, excruciating. I mentioned earlier that The Hubby had been in the hospital... Here's My Whole Story.
The Hubby hurt his back last summer at the lake and he appears to have aggravated the injury. On the 11th he was at work, at the coffee pot of all places, and he "felt a snap, like a rubber band", he almost hit the floor it hurt so much.
This was the same day as I had to take The Baby to the Public Health Clinic for her 12 month immunization shots. (only 5 weeks late on that Mama! Good Parenting!)
So I had a cranky Baby and a cranky Hubby. Hubby went to a medi-clinic and was told to "take robaxacet and go to the chiropractor." Thanks for the help.
He laid down for a nap at around 6 PM after taking Advil and Robaxacet, and when he woke up at 10 PM, he couldn't move. I mean, he was totally immobile! After trying to pull him up, and even get him to roll onto his side, we called the HealthLine for advice. The nurse on the phone was great and basically told us to call 911 and have a paramedic give him some really good drugs to get him up and to the hospital.
There I am at 10:45 calling someone to come over and stay with The Baby while I go in an ambulance with my Super High Hubby.
I have never seen anyone hallucinate while on legal drugs before! He was seriously given over 30cc's of morphine before he could walk. Plus, as we left with some serious prescriptions, the nurse gave me a handful of Valium for him to take to keep him relaxed.
I needed some of that Valium... I really wanted to steal it, but I didn't, (I am a good wife, after all!)
We get home at around 6:30 am, and The Baby is having a slumber party on the couch with Daphne, The Most Amazing Friend In The World, because she came over, and then dealt with a Post-immunization cranky baby all night, and then had to go home to 3 year-old twins and a 14 month-old of her own.
It was a long day after that...
Then, a couple of days later on the 14th, it happens again! I load the man up on painkillers and take him to the hospital again, where after a further assessment including x-rays and a consultation with a spinal surgeon, they send us off with STRONGER doses of morphine and muscle relaxants and an appointment for an MRI. I am seriously Jealous of the meds at this point. The Husband may be in pain, but I am the one who has basically turned into a single mom with not only a 13 month old Baby, but a Hubby who is acting like a baby too! :-)
Now, he's spending most of his time in a complete drug haze, and I am wandering around trying to make sure he takes all of his various meds at the right times to keep him in a blissfully happy place, and I realize that our gloriously easy baby girl is getting less and less easy to care for. She is becoming a real crabby monster. She developed a fever on Monday the 17th that eventually turned into a 40.8 degree Celsius disaster! I tried giving her a cool bath and both Tylenol and Advil to bring it down, but that darned thing kept creeping up and she got more and more fussy. She finally hit the 40 mark and I took her to the Emergency room. (my 3rd hospital visit in 7 days!) We find out she has her very first ear infection. Now I am dosing meds to The Baby and The Hubby. I feel like an extra on Grey's or something.
The 18th was our 8th Wedding Anniversary, and I spent it rocking a sobbing Baby girl and heading back to the hospital once again for the MRI. The rest of this past week has gone by in a blur of Doctor's visits and pharmacy trips. We are still waiting on the Results of the MRI, waiting to see if the Hubby is going to have back surgery, or if he just gets to be on his butt for a while.
Finally, the May long weekend hits and all I want to do is run away, but I am stuck here dosing antibiotics and painkillers to people who are slowly draining my life force away.
I just want a break! My Mother is coming this week for a sort-of-visit. She has a series of meetings and courses for work this Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. She will be staying here with us so she can see The Baby during the evenings, and I am sorry to admit, that I really am grateful that she is going to be excited to give the baths and feed The Baby during her visit. I can maybe sneak out for a coffee or a nap. Or cheesecake. A whole cheesecake. That's how low I feel right now. We're at Def-Con 4: Whole Cheesecake. A slice won't do.
The Hubby hurt his back last summer at the lake and he appears to have aggravated the injury. On the 11th he was at work, at the coffee pot of all places, and he "felt a snap, like a rubber band", he almost hit the floor it hurt so much.
This was the same day as I had to take The Baby to the Public Health Clinic for her 12 month immunization shots. (only 5 weeks late on that Mama! Good Parenting!)
So I had a cranky Baby and a cranky Hubby. Hubby went to a medi-clinic and was told to "take robaxacet and go to the chiropractor." Thanks for the help.
He laid down for a nap at around 6 PM after taking Advil and Robaxacet, and when he woke up at 10 PM, he couldn't move. I mean, he was totally immobile! After trying to pull him up, and even get him to roll onto his side, we called the HealthLine for advice. The nurse on the phone was great and basically told us to call 911 and have a paramedic give him some really good drugs to get him up and to the hospital.
There I am at 10:45 calling someone to come over and stay with The Baby while I go in an ambulance with my Super High Hubby.
I have never seen anyone hallucinate while on legal drugs before! He was seriously given over 30cc's of morphine before he could walk. Plus, as we left with some serious prescriptions, the nurse gave me a handful of Valium for him to take to keep him relaxed.
I needed some of that Valium... I really wanted to steal it, but I didn't, (I am a good wife, after all!)
We get home at around 6:30 am, and The Baby is having a slumber party on the couch with Daphne, The Most Amazing Friend In The World, because she came over, and then dealt with a Post-immunization cranky baby all night, and then had to go home to 3 year-old twins and a 14 month-old of her own.
It was a long day after that...
Then, a couple of days later on the 14th, it happens again! I load the man up on painkillers and take him to the hospital again, where after a further assessment including x-rays and a consultation with a spinal surgeon, they send us off with STRONGER doses of morphine and muscle relaxants and an appointment for an MRI. I am seriously Jealous of the meds at this point. The Husband may be in pain, but I am the one who has basically turned into a single mom with not only a 13 month old Baby, but a Hubby who is acting like a baby too! :-)
Now, he's spending most of his time in a complete drug haze, and I am wandering around trying to make sure he takes all of his various meds at the right times to keep him in a blissfully happy place, and I realize that our gloriously easy baby girl is getting less and less easy to care for. She is becoming a real crabby monster. She developed a fever on Monday the 17th that eventually turned into a 40.8 degree Celsius disaster! I tried giving her a cool bath and both Tylenol and Advil to bring it down, but that darned thing kept creeping up and she got more and more fussy. She finally hit the 40 mark and I took her to the Emergency room. (my 3rd hospital visit in 7 days!) We find out she has her very first ear infection. Now I am dosing meds to The Baby and The Hubby. I feel like an extra on Grey's or something.
The 18th was our 8th Wedding Anniversary, and I spent it rocking a sobbing Baby girl and heading back to the hospital once again for the MRI. The rest of this past week has gone by in a blur of Doctor's visits and pharmacy trips. We are still waiting on the Results of the MRI, waiting to see if the Hubby is going to have back surgery, or if he just gets to be on his butt for a while.
Finally, the May long weekend hits and all I want to do is run away, but I am stuck here dosing antibiotics and painkillers to people who are slowly draining my life force away.
I just want a break! My Mother is coming this week for a sort-of-visit. She has a series of meetings and courses for work this Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. She will be staying here with us so she can see The Baby during the evenings, and I am sorry to admit, that I really am grateful that she is going to be excited to give the baths and feed The Baby during her visit. I can maybe sneak out for a coffee or a nap. Or cheesecake. A whole cheesecake. That's how low I feel right now. We're at Def-Con 4: Whole Cheesecake. A slice won't do.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Why do I volunteer for things I suck at???
Guess who volunteered to throw her friend a baby shower???
That's right, I did. I've never done this before. I've attended showers, but I've never been in charge of one, and now I'm kinda freaking out a little bit. All the games and "fun stuff" I know to do seems a little bit lame. The games are the same old ones that everyone has played a hundred times, and your Grandmothers probably played when they had showers back in the 30's.
I digress... I am a little stressed about this, because instead of doing anything for this shower all last week, I spent the week worrying about Hubby. He has somehow given himself a herniated disc and now may end up needing surgery. We will find out if surgery is an option on Tuesday when he has an MRI.
He has spent 2 days in the hospital trying to get the pain under control. I had a not-so-enjoyable day trying to keep a 13 1/2 month old happy and entertained while in the hospital for 7 hours on Friday, and I do not ever wish to try that again! (Plus, on a totally gross note, there was an 82 year old woman in the bed next to Hubby's who, according to the woman who brought her in, hadn't pooped in 9 days. They gave her 2 enemas, and I'll let you imagine the smell...Fun Times!)
I have spent the last hour on the Internet looking for games and theme ideas and I am about ready to give up. If I see one more suggestion for eating baby food, or melting chocolate bars in diapers, I am going to scream!
If ANY of you have a suggestion, please let me know! I am ready to lose my mind! If it helps, the shower is for twin boys.
That's right, I did. I've never done this before. I've attended showers, but I've never been in charge of one, and now I'm kinda freaking out a little bit. All the games and "fun stuff" I know to do seems a little bit lame. The games are the same old ones that everyone has played a hundred times, and your Grandmothers probably played when they had showers back in the 30's.
I digress... I am a little stressed about this, because instead of doing anything for this shower all last week, I spent the week worrying about Hubby. He has somehow given himself a herniated disc and now may end up needing surgery. We will find out if surgery is an option on Tuesday when he has an MRI.
He has spent 2 days in the hospital trying to get the pain under control. I had a not-so-enjoyable day trying to keep a 13 1/2 month old happy and entertained while in the hospital for 7 hours on Friday, and I do not ever wish to try that again! (Plus, on a totally gross note, there was an 82 year old woman in the bed next to Hubby's who, according to the woman who brought her in, hadn't pooped in 9 days. They gave her 2 enemas, and I'll let you imagine the smell...Fun Times!)
I have spent the last hour on the Internet looking for games and theme ideas and I am about ready to give up. If I see one more suggestion for eating baby food, or melting chocolate bars in diapers, I am going to scream!
If ANY of you have a suggestion, please let me know! I am ready to lose my mind! If it helps, the shower is for twin boys.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Catch up and welcome back!
Hello blogosphere friends!
If you don't recognize me, it's because I am a bad, bad blogger. I have left you out in the cold for far too long, and really, so much has happened!
Barack Obama is President of the United States, Ellen is a judge on American Idol, Jon and Kate are no longer together with their eight, and I became a MAMA!
I know... It's all really shocking. I mean, me, Tracey, a mama. Who'd a thunk it?
My baby is almost 14 months old now, and she is so beautiful! She walks fairly well and she can say a bunch of words, "Mama", "Daddy", "kitty", "Banana", "up", "night-night", and "Hi" are her favorite ones. She is really outgoing. I love taking her for walks, because she waves and blows kisses to everyone she sees. She says "hi" to total strangers and they usually smile back and return the greeting, which only makes her say it again!
This Mother's Day was good, but I cannot wait until she can draw me a picture or glue macaroni and glitter onto construction paper and make me a card. That would be better than any Hallmark greeting for $3.49.
I see her changing every day. I mean, she is growing, and learning and doing new things daily. Last night she used a spoon to eat yogurt properly. She actually dipped the spoon into the bowl and scooped yogurt on the spoon and placed it into her mouth correctly to eat. Yesterday, she couldn't do this. She would end up with a spoonful on her chest or on her forehead, but last night, she got it all into her mouth!
I feel like I am changing with her too. Her changes are visible and noticeable. Mine are more inside. I think I am learning to relax a bit, and I am getting far more patient... I still have a long way to go to being Zen, but I am less anxious than I ever was.
Things haven't been completely wonderful this last 14 months.... I have been battling a pretty severe post-partum depression, and taking medication that I really didn't want to take. Thankfully, all of my "crazies" have been more about self-harm and self-hatred than any bad feelings about her, (which sounds like a weird thing to be thankful for), and I have always been able to focus on getting her needs met even during my worst days.
All told, I have some pretty amazing feelings about this past year. I wish I hadn't left you all in the dark, but for a while, I needed some me space. I am back though, and I'll talk about baby poop so much, you will all wish I'd stayed away!
If you don't recognize me, it's because I am a bad, bad blogger. I have left you out in the cold for far too long, and really, so much has happened!
Barack Obama is President of the United States, Ellen is a judge on American Idol, Jon and Kate are no longer together with their eight, and I became a MAMA!
I know... It's all really shocking. I mean, me, Tracey, a mama. Who'd a thunk it?
My baby is almost 14 months old now, and she is so beautiful! She walks fairly well and she can say a bunch of words, "Mama", "Daddy", "kitty", "Banana", "up", "night-night", and "Hi" are her favorite ones. She is really outgoing. I love taking her for walks, because she waves and blows kisses to everyone she sees. She says "hi" to total strangers and they usually smile back and return the greeting, which only makes her say it again!
This Mother's Day was good, but I cannot wait until she can draw me a picture or glue macaroni and glitter onto construction paper and make me a card. That would be better than any Hallmark greeting for $3.49.
I see her changing every day. I mean, she is growing, and learning and doing new things daily. Last night she used a spoon to eat yogurt properly. She actually dipped the spoon into the bowl and scooped yogurt on the spoon and placed it into her mouth correctly to eat. Yesterday, she couldn't do this. She would end up with a spoonful on her chest or on her forehead, but last night, she got it all into her mouth!
I feel like I am changing with her too. Her changes are visible and noticeable. Mine are more inside. I think I am learning to relax a bit, and I am getting far more patient... I still have a long way to go to being Zen, but I am less anxious than I ever was.
Things haven't been completely wonderful this last 14 months.... I have been battling a pretty severe post-partum depression, and taking medication that I really didn't want to take. Thankfully, all of my "crazies" have been more about self-harm and self-hatred than any bad feelings about her, (which sounds like a weird thing to be thankful for), and I have always been able to focus on getting her needs met even during my worst days.
All told, I have some pretty amazing feelings about this past year. I wish I hadn't left you all in the dark, but for a while, I needed some me space. I am back though, and I'll talk about baby poop so much, you will all wish I'd stayed away!
Monday, April 28, 2008
I know that I'm a late bloomer, but this is ridiculous!
So Becky has been pestering (tee hee hee) me to fricking sign up for the 'A New Earth: Awakening to your Life's Purpose' classes online and to get the book. I finally watched the first episode of the online classes last night, and as soon as I got home, I downloaded I-Tunes and all eight podcasts of the show so far...
Now here's the really dorky thing that I did. I fell in love with I-tunes. I mean, real true absolute love with this application. I-Tunes is my new Girlfriend (or Boyfriend, if you like!)
I had never played with podcasts, or anything before! I spent this whole day downloading and setting up playlists of my music that I had ripped from my disks that I own. I wish that I had an I-pod now! I'm so getting one for my birthday! (I hope!) :-)
I know that everyone and their grandmother have already used these AMAZING applications before, but I am a true loser! Thank you soooo much Steve Jobs! You are my bestest friend!!!
Now here's the really dorky thing that I did. I fell in love with I-tunes. I mean, real true absolute love with this application. I-Tunes is my new Girlfriend (or Boyfriend, if you like!)
I had never played with podcasts, or anything before! I spent this whole day downloading and setting up playlists of my music that I had ripped from my disks that I own. I wish that I had an I-pod now! I'm so getting one for my birthday! (I hope!) :-)
I know that everyone and their grandmother have already used these AMAZING applications before, but I am a true loser! Thank you soooo much Steve Jobs! You are my bestest friend!!!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on?
"How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh?
Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there?
Gotta, gotta nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh?
Gotta, gotta compelling protaganist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there?
Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? (voice getting higher pitched) Yea, talking about that 3 years ago.
Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end?
Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah?
(voice returns to normal) No, no, you deserve some time off."
Is that a good enough explanation of my absence to the blogosphere? Or do you all meed more information? I could give all of the lame arse details, but I think Stewie summed it up nicely for me there! :-)
Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there?
Gotta, gotta nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh?
Gotta, gotta compelling protaganist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there?
Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? (voice getting higher pitched) Yea, talking about that 3 years ago.
Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end?
Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah?
(voice returns to normal) No, no, you deserve some time off."
Is that a good enough explanation of my absence to the blogosphere? Or do you all meed more information? I could give all of the lame arse details, but I think Stewie summed it up nicely for me there! :-)
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
#88 - X365
Tyler -
T-Pain, bro, What's Up!!!
I had SOOOOO much fun playing Cupid and doing everything in my power to set you and Lisa up. I was talking you up to her and talking her up to you. I planted seeds every where I could! It was super to finally, after months of you saying, "gee, She looks cute today!", to have you tell me you had asked her to a movie!!!
I want your first baby named after me!
You are welcome!!!
T-Pain, bro, What's Up!!!
I had SOOOOO much fun playing Cupid and doing everything in my power to set you and Lisa up. I was talking you up to her and talking her up to you. I planted seeds every where I could! It was super to finally, after months of you saying, "gee, She looks cute today!", to have you tell me you had asked her to a movie!!!
I want your first baby named after me!
You are welcome!!!
Monday, February 25, 2008
#87 - X365
Carmody W. -
My favorite memory of you is making radio stations on our old 2 deck ghettoblaster. Remember WFUZZ Radio Fuzz Chzhhhssshkkkaakkhz??? Haha!
We would chat and do fake weather and sports scores, and then have a song cued up on the other deck, hit play and record it all. Kids these days with their Digital players are never going to have the joy of making mix tapes. Sure, they can burn a disc, but it's not the same :-)
Then there was the time that we dyed our hair with Kool-aid. For the record, my bedroom wall was stained with cherry Kool-aid until my sister painted the wall five years later! Haha!
You were such a cool kid, so fun and youthful. We never went "hoodlum". When you went off to that Private high school, I think our group lost a good thing in you. I hope you have a fantastic life overseas, and I hope we can have a pint someday and reminisce in person.
My favorite memory of you is making radio stations on our old 2 deck ghettoblaster. Remember WFUZZ Radio Fuzz Chzhhhssshkkkaakkhz??? Haha!
We would chat and do fake weather and sports scores, and then have a song cued up on the other deck, hit play and record it all. Kids these days with their Digital players are never going to have the joy of making mix tapes. Sure, they can burn a disc, but it's not the same :-)
Then there was the time that we dyed our hair with Kool-aid. For the record, my bedroom wall was stained with cherry Kool-aid until my sister painted the wall five years later! Haha!
You were such a cool kid, so fun and youthful. We never went "hoodlum". When you went off to that Private high school, I think our group lost a good thing in you. I hope you have a fantastic life overseas, and I hope we can have a pint someday and reminisce in person.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
#86 - X365
Renea M. -
You were one of my first friends ever. We lived across the street from each other for the first ten or so years of our lives. You were my first sleepover (not counting Grandma and Grandpa's) and I still remember your older brothers bugging us all night. I can't remember if I made it the night or not... :-)
One of my favorite memories involves the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics. We were watching the news or something at your house and it had a replay of Elizabeth Manley's Silver Medal Performance. I told your brother, "she is going to get a medal" and he said basically, no way. I told him, I'd bet him "a Hundred Bucks". I was right, and they showed her getting her medal, and he said he was going to buck me like a horse, 100 times... Sigh, I was soooo Pissed!!! I wanted my Hundred Dollars!!! hahaha!
You were one of my first friends ever. We lived across the street from each other for the first ten or so years of our lives. You were my first sleepover (not counting Grandma and Grandpa's) and I still remember your older brothers bugging us all night. I can't remember if I made it the night or not... :-)
One of my favorite memories involves the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics. We were watching the news or something at your house and it had a replay of Elizabeth Manley's Silver Medal Performance. I told your brother, "she is going to get a medal" and he said basically, no way. I told him, I'd bet him "a Hundred Bucks". I was right, and they showed her getting her medal, and he said he was going to buck me like a horse, 100 times... Sigh, I was soooo Pissed!!! I wanted my Hundred Dollars!!! hahaha!
Saturday, February 23, 2008
#85 - X365
Tiffany W.B. -
You are like a teeny little pixie woman! You are always sunshine and rainbows, and I mean that with absolute love and respect! You are the ultimate glass-half-full kinda gal.
I really wish I could be more like you in that way. You are super easy to talk to, and your undeniable love for Capital G-O-D is so completely unwavering. I wish that I could have that kind of faith in anything.
There is no one I would ever want to watch The O.C. with other than you too!!! hahaha!
You are such an inspiration to me. I try to be like you in so many ways and I fail, because there is only one you!
You are like a teeny little pixie woman! You are always sunshine and rainbows, and I mean that with absolute love and respect! You are the ultimate glass-half-full kinda gal.
I really wish I could be more like you in that way. You are super easy to talk to, and your undeniable love for Capital G-O-D is so completely unwavering. I wish that I could have that kind of faith in anything.
There is no one I would ever want to watch The O.C. with other than you too!!! hahaha!
You are such an inspiration to me. I try to be like you in so many ways and I fail, because there is only one you!
Friday, February 22, 2008
#84 - X365
Katrina L -
Hey Ms San Diego! What a shocker! You move to the States for a guy and end up living a Happily Ever After!!
You are a super cool chickie who is always down for a party. You are a good time, all the time! I am so happy to hear that you are really, truly happy! (and I guess you and your new constitutional right to bear arms are a match made in Gun Lover Heaven!!!
I will miss watching you shoot the F out of a target at the Range :-)
Love You!
Hey Ms San Diego! What a shocker! You move to the States for a guy and end up living a Happily Ever After!!
You are a super cool chickie who is always down for a party. You are a good time, all the time! I am so happy to hear that you are really, truly happy! (and I guess you and your new constitutional right to bear arms are a match made in Gun Lover Heaven!!!
I will miss watching you shoot the F out of a target at the Range :-)
Love You!
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