I disappeared...

"Like I said, disappearances happen. Pains go phantom. Blood stops running and people, people fade away. There's more I have to say, so much more, but... I disappeared." - Meredith Grey

Last Thursday saw Meredith of "Grey's Anatomy" drown, and presumably, die. That pretty much sums up what I have done for the last six weeks. I went under. I could see the water above and the water below. I chose to sink.

I have had this self-pity and loathing and hate for myself...and for what reason? I am stumbling through this life, while others are celebrating and cheering their daily victories. I can choose to continue to sink, to drown, or I can choose to come out of this strange dark place.

Why choose to come to the surface? I have friends and family who love me (At least they say they do) But I have been a terrible friend...I was rescued in January by Kimberly, and How do I repay her? I don't call or write or visit in a month! I was loved by Janelle and I ignored her emails. I was comforted by Darren in a time of need, and just today, I beat him up for talking to his ex-boyfriend (who I think he should avoid)...Do I deserve any of these people? (Probably not.)

I am tired of being tired. I am Tired of being in the dark. I am tired of complaining.

I am tired of disappearing. No more.

People, today was Mardi Gras. A celebration of indulgence to counter a period of fasting. My "Lenten preparedness" is going to be slightly different than previous years. I think that I'm going to not cut so much out or abstain during Lent, I'm going to indulge. I will force myself upon people, and come up for air. I will indulge in my baby girl Kailey's smiles, I will take crazy long walks across the bridge with the dog, I will go to Calories for cheesecake with Janelle, and we might eat a whole cake together, but then I will go to the Gym with Becky (please come to the gym with me!!!) and I will make all of those cheesecakes vanish into THIN air!

There is so much more that I have to say, and I will say it. I cannot allow the person I have become to disappear. I like me. I like being opinionated. I like working in a "crappy retail job". I like hating George Bush. I like country music and screamo punk too. I like being who I am and I refuse to disappear.

Fuck That Noise!