Friday, September 20, 2013

Is the New Pope Super cool or What!!!

So, Fellow Catholics, (and Non-Catholics too... Don't wanna hurt any feelings), Are you as impressed with our new, Cool as BeyoncĂ©Pope Francis!!! Dude is kinda awesome. You really can't deny it. For a largely patriarchal, lost in the past organization, He is taking some really cool steps forward!

Monday, September 16, 2013

Whoopsie! Foot in mouth, Check!

This weekend, I lost my cool, just a little.  The hubster is a Realtor now.  Has been for a couple of years, and I think he is a pretty damn good one too.  He has done a whole bunch of transactions, and had a whole bunch of happy clients.  In general, he is pretty busy.  That being said, any Realtor could use more business! haha!

In the last 6 months or so, we have had at least 5 couples that I would have concidered "Friends", (they are all Facebook friends), who have used the services of another person.  Not The hubster.  After the last ones were bragging about the new place on Facebook, I kinda went ahead and put the ol' foot in the mouth, and made a comment that said:

Friends, I happen to know a pretty wicked awesome Real Estate Agent. 

By using him, you keep me fed and watered. If that doesn't inspire you to use him when you are buying or selling property, then think about Penelope. He keeps her fed and watered too! 

Just a little disheartening when I see posts about "friends" using other agents. Sad face.

Ok, so here is the problem.  The VERY NEXT MORNING, at the fucking Safeway, of all places, I run into the Hubster of the very couple that set me off!  I hadn't seen him in a very long time.  He then shows me a photo of his truck, (I didn't know he even had a truck!), and it has been vandalized that very night.  A giant "Fuck You" was spray painted onto it.  Thanks Jesus! That looks pretty bad for me, being pissed, and then his truck gets messed up!  Thank god I had an alibi, ya know, in case anyone asked!!!  He was kind of acting weird too, like I think he saw the post too...

FML!  Why do I always get in this kind of situation!!!

Thursday, September 05, 2013

My reaction to the "FYI (if you are a Teenage Girl)

I am so nauseated right now.  I was shown this tonight.  Go ahead.  Read it and then come back.  Be sure to notice that there are two sets of Pictures.

Go on, I'll wait.

Ok, now I then saw this.

Here's why I am shaking and angry at the first "FYI".  Why does everyone assume because you have a vagina, you are useless?  Why does a girl with confidence scare people?  Why do we blame the victim?  In Case, after Case, after CASE we make it out to be Boys will be Boys, and the girls were just asking for it.

As someone who, firstly, has a daughter who I want to grow up to be smart and confident and self-assured, and secondly, who was sexually assaulted, it insults me.

Yep, Cat's outta the bag.  I was raped.  I was a fat teenage girl, who went to a party, wearing a t shirt under a pair of painters bib overalls and I had on a large oversized sweater over the works.  I was not "dressed like a slut" or "asking for it".  I did have a few drinks, and I was in no condition to give concent.  In fact, before, during and after the act, I was crying and saying NO.  Repeatedly. I did get quiet for a bit in the middle and just sobbed for a while.  All I could picture in my head, was Jason.  The boy that I had wanted to lose my virginity to for as long as I knew what sex was.  He was my on again, off again boy friend. That is boy - Space - Friend.  He was my guy BFF. We were never a full blown item, but he was the one that I had always imagined I would end up with.  I kept thinking, "I will never be with Jason if he finds out about this..."

My rapist continued until he finished.

I was devastated.

The following day, he bragged about it to friends.  Made me out to be a champ.  The things I did were amazing.  I was pegged a slut.  Everyone knew about it.  My two sisters sure knew about it.  They called me a slut.  My own family.  Against me.  Yay for small towns where gossip = the truth.

I only ever told four people (before this confession).

  1. One of my sisters.  She was getting married, and my Rapist was going to be in her wedding party.  I told her, so she could convince her Husband-to-be to remove the rapist from the event.  I don't know what she said to her husband, but the rapist didn't even get an invite, I don't think... 
  2. My Friend Becky.  She was a major support as I worked through the guilt and remorse from all of the after-effects of the assault. 
  3. The man who was to become my husband.  I told him and watched as he suppressed the rage and desire to go out and find my rapist, so he could be killed. 
  4. My Aunt.  At my Hometown centennial party, she came up to the bar at the caberet with him by her side. When he left, I was enraged that she was friendly to him, and of course, she had no idea why.  I told her the cliff notes version and then ended it with, "but I'm over it".  I thought I was, really I did, but when the words came out of my mouth, I knew it was a lie. 

So , back to why it is important to tell girls that they must cover up, to protect the poor, defenseless boys from being forced to rape you.  FUCK OFF!

It's not short skirts, or alcohol, or slutty girls that cause rape.  It MOTHERFUCKING RAPISTS THAT CAUSE RAPE!

I sincerly hope that if you have a son, you are teaching him to respect girls, as much as I am teaching my daughter to respect all HUMANS.

It took me a long time to realize I was not ruined.  That I was still worthy of love.  That even if my first time was NOTHING like I had spent hours planning and imagining and dreaming of, I was still deserving of having that experience.

"did you know that you are still lovely?  Did you know that you are still wonderful?  Did you know that you are filled with amazing qualities, amazing capabilities, amazing talents?  Did you know that life is full of choices, lessons, love, heartbreak, and adventures…and that all of those are yours to experience."  

I did not know that then, and I wish every day for a goddamed time machine, so I can tell myself that I am not royally fucked, and I will be ok.  I had a really fucked up lesson that night.....and that is ok.  What is not ok, is telling me, or any girl, that WE need to watch OURSELVES because if we don't, any boy could turn all rapey, and THAT is our fault.

So to you, Mrs. Hall, you judgey lady, where is your stone to be throwing?  If you are ready to start flinging stones at all the girls who want to be friends with your sons, you had better not be living in a glass house.  Us girls are fucking tough, and we will be catching those stones and throwing them back at you!

Friday, August 30, 2013



This feels really strange. Being here, looking at this web form, filling it out, and then soon enough, I will click on the "Publish" button once again.

I miss these moments. They were certainly not all eloquent or brilliant. But they were all me. Me at 27, me as a new mom, me as an almost divorcee... Me. And You, dear reader, dear Friend, are my witness and my mirror. I hope that If I send these thoughts out, that they do not just echo through the darkness, but they come back to me, strengthened by someone else's viewpoint.

I struggle with who I am becoming. I am as genuine as I can be, but it still sometimes feels like I am smiling for the public camera. I don't smile for the camera here. I have been bitchy, and catty, and sweet, and WAAAAYYYY too honest sometimes. (Holy Fuck! I put my name on here too! Shitballs! People will know it is me!!!)

I still struggle with being a parent, (and now she is a very smart, stubborn, beautiful four and a half year old). I struggle with being a wife, (how domesticated am I???) I struggle with being a good leader to my Girl Guide troops, (I want to beat a few of the adults up, because they are acting worse than the 5 year old girls in Sparks!) I struggle BIG time with being a good sister and daughter. (My one sister today came by and dropped off my Darling Daughter's sweater that had been left behind one night at Grandma and Grandpa's house. She told the kid, (who wasn't feeling very well today), that she should "throw up on Mommy". Really??? What the eff? That seemed...harsh.)

To channel My Inner Oprah, What I Know For Sure, is that I have evolved a little. We all do. We HAVE to. If you don't grow and change and evolve, you wither and die. I feel that I have more evolving to do, but I am headed in the right direction... ......I think.

After all this, I really want a Slurpee.

Some things Never Change.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Baby No More

My Little One is nearing her 3rd birthday. I am shocked daily by her knowledge and her skills as they develop and sharpen.

She is no longer my baby and not even My Little Girl, as she declares every time I try to call her that. She is my Big Girl! She is "growed up" and is "bigger than before".

I am stuck daily insisting on the afternoon nap, (the one that I DESPERATELY NEED), but she tells me, "Mommy, I no tired!" How do I apply logic to a 2 7/8th year old??? So we have a battle that leads me to keep hissing, "Get On That Couch!!!" and her to reply, "BUT I NO TIRED!!!" until one of us, (me), is too tired to fight, and then she falls asleep in her supper, or in the bath tub, or is a cantankerous turd until bedtime...

But would I really change it???


She runs up to me, for no reason at all, and declares that I am the BEST MUMMY IN THE WORLD!!!

She gives the best hugs right now, and she can reach to tickle my neck.

She kisses and grabs my hand and dances and sings and everything that makes me smile when I need it the most.

In 12 Days, she will turn Three. She will officially be done Toddler-hood. She will be my (gulp!!!) Preschooler!

She is more ready for that than I am.

Don't mind me, I'll be in the corner, silently weeping for a minute! :-)

Good Bye my Baby! Hello My Big Girl!

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Worry? Why Do I Let Myself Worry?

So I am a worrier.

I get it. It's a stupid thing to do. Worrying about something is not useful. It's not actually helping anything to worry. I totally get it.

So I am trying to be a happier person, and stop worrying.

But I am having such a hard time doing that.

I have a friend in her early 30's. She has a sweet and adorable almost 2 year old. She also has a dead husband. That happened suddenly, and with out warning. She has many reasons to worry. She is handling her situation better than I think I would. She is handling her situation better than I am handling any of mine...

Am I looking for a pity party??? I think I am, because when I'm at a party, life is okay. I don't feel alone. I have friends, Tangible friends. I know I have a lot of "acquaintances" and I have a select group of real honest Friends, but I have a suspicion that I keep shutting the door on the good ones, and they are slowly turning away.

I had a friend whom I ADORED!!! She was what I really wanted to be. Smart, approachable, independent, open-minded, funny, loyal, did I mention smart? I am not really sure how it happened, but we stopped going out, and then we stopped calling each other, and then we just stopped...

I miss her so much. I feel a bit lost with out her.

And So I Worry.... About the dumb things, and the big things and things like losing another friend like her.

Monday, March 05, 2012

Another evening is down the drain...

He Just did it again... After leaving this morning at 8am, he comes back at 7:30pm, sings his daughter a song, reads one story and leaves again.

He was at a bar with a dumbass "friend" of his, who I cannot stand, and He trash talks all the time, instead of coming home and eating supper with us. Then he informs me that he is leaving to go to his cousin's house instead of spending any time with me tonight.

When I show signs of being PISSED, he tells me, (regarding supper that he missed), "I didn't miss anything important!"


No wonder I feel so alone and I am submerged in this depression.

Update: Situation kinda Critical...

Hi everyone, or no one as the case usually is...

I am kind of a big fucked up mess, which usually is when I do my best writing.

In September of 2010, I had what was supposed to be a "simple day surgery" and it went horribly wrong. I was in the hospital for almost 3 full weeks, fighting Sepsis and nearly dying and leaving that gorgeous baby girl without a mama. I came home in October of that year to home-care nurses changing my dressings 3 times a day, then 2 times a day in November, and finally no longer coming in December, Just before Christmas.

What did this teach me? I guess to do your homework and be a better-informed patient, and not take a Doctor's word all the time. Also, to appreciate everything that you have. I was so sad to not see my baby every day for the 3 weeks I was in the hospital. She had gone to live with my sister in Medicine Hat, Alberta while I was sick. I was nearly comatose when my Parents and Husband made the decision to send the baby there. I had no say in the matter, so when I woke up and she was gone, I was kinda pissed. Who Sends a Baby away from her Mother!?!?!? But I did understand the predicament that everyone was in. I just wish that She could have stayed here, Closer to me.

The year passes and turns into 2011... And this constant ache in my abdomen slowly fades, (the scars however remained pretty prominent), but I am still in a pretty severe funk.

I end up in the hospital again in October, this time as a Psychiatric patient. I am finally diagnosed as bipolar, (bipolar cyclothymia to be specific), and I am given a prescription for some drugs that FINALLY make me feel somewhat alright. I am particularly fond of my new sleeping pills, Zopiclone!

Which brings us to now.

I have a wonderful girl who is nearly 3 years old, and a husband who switched career paths almost a year ago, and now is working almost all the time, leaving me and the aforementioned child alone (in my opinion) way too often. I feel like a single parent. I know I'm not, and I should be grateful for the nights when the husband bathes the baby, but I always end up with the naughty behavior and the disrespectful outbursts that leave me feeling like a failure as a Mom.

Last week, my cat died. He has been sick, having liver and kidney failures, and it was his time to go. We had scheduled a vet appointment to have him put to sleep. He died the day before his appointment. He was sleeping in the kid's room, and He made this horrible noise. I went to find him, and he was having a seizure. He had 7 seizures in the hour that it took to get him to the vet and put down. Horrific. It was absolutely horrific. I laid on the floor beside him, petting and whispering to him that he was a good boy and I loved him, until someone came to watch the Kid so I could take the poor kitty to the Dr.

I had that stupid cat for nearly half of my life... He was the first Man in my life that I loved. I told him that all the time. He was the best pet you could have asked for. He was independent like all cats, but he still had a snuggly side. He was good to the baby and was super gentle, even when his poor tail or ears were being attacked.

I miss him so much, and I swear, I still see him out of the corner of my eye.

This dumb cat has set my mental health recovery back. I am sad every damn day.

How stupid is that.

Dedicated to the one I love

I think that it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and
When we kiss they're perfectly aligned.
And I have to speculate
That God himself did make
Us into corresponding shapes
Like puzzles pieces from the clay.
True, it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this
That catch my troubled head
When you're away
When I am missing you to death.
When you were out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home.

They will see us waving
from such great heights
"Come down now,"
They'll say.
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now,"
But we'll stay.

I've tried my best to leave
This all on your machine
But the persistent beat
Sounded thin upon listening
That frankly will not fly.
You will hear the shrillest highs
And lowest lows with the windows down
When this is guiding you home.

They will see us waving
From such great heights
"Come down now,"
They'll say.
But everything looks perfect
From far away
"Come down now,"
But we'll stay...