Marshmallows For Breakfast

When I took My Hiatus from public Blogging, I kept writing. The Hubby and I had just begun a strange and wonderful stint in Couples Therapy where he asked that I stop writing publically for a while. Of course, I weighed out the pros and cons of making such a sacrifice, and came to the conclusion that I would stop (for a while) but I would be coming back someday.

I kept writing and I have two beautiful spiral notebooks full of notes and thoughts about everything from current events to what I made for supper that night. The saddest part of the break from here, I think, was that I was doing what was called the X-365 project, where I wrote a blurb every day about someone who had been in my life and had left me with a memory, or a story of some variety.

I finished the X-365 project in these notebooks and I am going to transfer them here. I will use the correct dates and there will be random posts appearing because of this. There was a really neat feeling I had while I was finishing this project. It made me really think about the people that I had met in my years on this planet. Some of the stories made me laugh and some made me really sad. I reconnected with a few people because of the project. Others still don't know what I wrote about them. That is why I am going to transcribe the journal entries to here. I thought that all the people I wrote about deserved to see the thoughts I have about them.

I think the rest of the notebooks contents can stay private. That is the compromise I can make to The Hubby. The thoughts I had while we were working on fixing our Broken Mess of a Relationship, and Creating a new beautiful Girl in the process, can stay between us... (for now :-)

This last couple of weeks has been really long. I mean, excruciating. I mentioned earlier that The Hubby had been in the hospital... Here's My Whole Story.

The Hubby hurt his back last summer at the lake and he appears to have aggravated the injury. On the 11th he was at work, at the coffee pot of all places, and he "felt a snap, like a rubber band", he almost hit the floor it hurt so much.
This was the same day as I had to take The Baby to the Public Health Clinic for her 12 month immunization shots. (only 5 weeks late on that Mama! Good Parenting!)
So I had a cranky Baby and a cranky Hubby. Hubby went to a medi-clinic and was told to "take robaxacet and go to the chiropractor." Thanks for the help.

He laid down for a nap at around 6 PM after taking Advil and Robaxacet, and when he woke up at 10 PM, he couldn't move. I mean, he was totally immobile! After trying to pull him up, and even get him to roll onto his side, we called the HealthLine for advice. The nurse on the phone was great and basically told us to call 911 and have a paramedic give him some really good drugs to get him up and to the hospital.

There I am at 10:45 calling someone to come over and stay with The Baby while I go in an ambulance with my Super High Hubby.

I have never seen anyone hallucinate while on legal drugs before! He was seriously given over 30cc's of morphine before he could walk. Plus, as we left with some serious prescriptions, the nurse gave me a handful of Valium for him to take to keep him relaxed.

I needed some of that Valium... I really wanted to steal it, but I didn't, (I am a good wife, after all!)

We get home at around 6:30 am, and The Baby is having a slumber party on the couch with Daphne, The Most Amazing Friend In The World, because she came over, and then dealt with a Post-immunization cranky baby all night, and then had to go home to 3 year-old twins and a 14 month-old of her own.

It was a long day after that...

Then, a couple of days later on the 14th, it happens again! I load the man up on painkillers and take him to the hospital again, where after a further assessment including x-rays and a consultation with a spinal surgeon, they send us off with STRONGER doses of morphine and muscle relaxants and an appointment for an MRI. I am seriously Jealous of the meds at this point. The Husband may be in pain, but I am the one who has basically turned into a single mom with not only a 13 month old Baby, but a Hubby who is acting like a baby too! :-)

Now, he's spending most of his time in a complete drug haze, and I am wandering around trying to make sure he takes all of his various meds at the right times to keep him in a blissfully happy place, and I realize that our gloriously easy baby girl is getting less and less easy to care for. She is becoming a real crabby monster. She developed a fever on Monday the 17th that eventually turned into a 40.8 degree Celsius disaster! I tried giving her a cool bath and both Tylenol and Advil to bring it down, but that darned thing kept creeping up and she got more and more fussy. She finally hit the 40 mark and I took her to the Emergency room. (my 3rd hospital visit in 7 days!) We find out she has her very first ear infection. Now I am dosing meds to The Baby and The Hubby. I feel like an extra on Grey's or something.

The 18th was our 8th Wedding Anniversary, and I spent it rocking a sobbing Baby girl and heading back to the hospital once again for the MRI. The rest of this past week has gone by in a blur of Doctor's visits and pharmacy trips. We are still waiting on the Results of the MRI, waiting to see if the Hubby is going to have back surgery, or if he just gets to be on his butt for a while.

Finally, the May long weekend hits and all I want to do is run away, but I am stuck here dosing antibiotics and painkillers to people who are slowly draining my life force away.

I just want a break! My Mother is coming this week for a sort-of-visit. She has a series of meetings and courses for work this Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. She will be staying here with us so she can see The Baby during the evenings, and I am sorry to admit, that I really am grateful that she is going to be excited to give the baths and feed The Baby during her visit. I can maybe sneak out for a coffee or a nap. Or cheesecake. A whole cheesecake. That's how low I feel right now. We're at Def-Con 4: Whole Cheesecake. A slice won't do.

Guess who volunteered to throw her friend a baby shower???

That's right, I did. I've never done this before. I've attended showers, but I've never been in charge of one, and now I'm kinda freaking out a little bit. All the games and "fun stuff" I know to do seems a little bit lame. The games are the same old ones that everyone has played a hundred times, and your Grandmothers probably played when they had showers back in the 30's.

I digress... I am a little stressed about this, because instead of doing anything for this shower all last week, I spent the week worrying about Hubby. He has somehow given himself a herniated disc and now may end up needing surgery. We will find out if surgery is an option on Tuesday when he has an MRI.

He has spent 2 days in the hospital trying to get the pain under control. I had a not-so-enjoyable day trying to keep a 13 1/2 month old happy and entertained while in the hospital for 7 hours on Friday, and I do not ever wish to try that again! (Plus, on a totally gross note, there was an 82 year old woman in the bed next to Hubby's who, according to the woman who brought her in, hadn't pooped in 9 days. They gave her 2 enemas, and I'll let you imagine the smell...Fun Times!)

I have spent the last hour on the Internet looking for games and theme ideas and I am about ready to give up. If I see one more suggestion for eating baby food, or melting chocolate bars in diapers, I am going to scream!

If ANY of you have a suggestion, please let me know! I am ready to lose my mind! If it helps, the shower is for twin boys.

Hello blogosphere friends!

If you don't recognize me, it's because I am a bad, bad blogger. I have left you out in the cold for far too long, and really, so much has happened!

Barack Obama is President of the United States, Ellen is a judge on American Idol, Jon and Kate are no longer together with their eight, and I became a MAMA!

I know... It's all really shocking. I mean, me, Tracey, a mama. Who'd a thunk it?

My baby is almost 14 months old now, and she is so beautiful! She walks fairly well and she can say a bunch of words, "Mama", "Daddy", "kitty", "Banana", "up", "night-night", and "Hi" are her favorite ones. She is really outgoing. I love taking her for walks, because she waves and blows kisses to everyone she sees. She says "hi" to total strangers and they usually smile back and return the greeting, which only makes her say it again!

This Mother's Day was good, but I cannot wait until she can draw me a picture or glue macaroni and glitter onto construction paper and make me a card. That would be better than any Hallmark greeting for $3.49.

I see her changing every day. I mean, she is growing, and learning and doing new things daily. Last night she used a spoon to eat yogurt properly. She actually dipped the spoon into the bowl and scooped yogurt on the spoon and placed it into her mouth correctly to eat. Yesterday, she couldn't do this. She would end up with a spoonful on her chest or on her forehead, but last night, she got it all into her mouth!

I feel like I am changing with her too. Her changes are visible and noticeable. Mine are more inside. I think I am learning to relax a bit, and I am getting far more patient... I still have a long way to go to being Zen, but I am less anxious than I ever was.

Things haven't been completely wonderful this last 14 months.... I have been battling a pretty severe post-partum depression, and taking medication that I really didn't want to take. Thankfully, all of my "crazies" have been more about self-harm and self-hatred than any bad feelings about her, (which sounds like a weird thing to be thankful for), and I have always been able to focus on getting her needs met even during my worst days.

All told, I have some pretty amazing feelings about this past year. I wish I hadn't left you all in the dark, but for a while, I needed some me space. I am back though, and I'll talk about baby poop so much, you will all wish I'd stayed away!

So Becky has been pestering (tee hee hee) me to fricking sign up for the 'A New Earth: Awakening to your Life's Purpose' classes online and to get the book. I finally watched the first episode of the online classes last night, and as soon as I got home, I downloaded I-Tunes and all eight podcasts of the show so far...

Now here's the really dorky thing that I did. I fell in love with I-tunes. I mean, real true absolute love with this application. I-Tunes is my new Girlfriend (or Boyfriend, if you like!)

I had never played with podcasts, or anything before! I spent this whole day downloading and setting up playlists of my music that I had ripped from my disks that I own. I wish that I had an I-pod now! I'm so getting one for my birthday! (I hope!) :-)

I know that everyone and their grandmother have already used these AMAZING applications before, but I am a true loser! Thank you soooo much Steve Jobs! You are my bestest friend!!!

"How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh?

Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there?

Gotta, gotta nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh?

Gotta, gotta compelling protaganist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there?

Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? (voice getting higher pitched) Yea, talking about that 3 years ago.

Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end?

Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah?

(voice returns to normal) No, no, you deserve some time off."

Is that a good enough explanation of my absence to the blogosphere? Or do you all meed more information? I could give all of the lame arse details, but I think Stewie summed it up nicely for me there! :-)

FILL IT OUT! Learn 50 things
about your friends, and let them learn 50 things
about you!

1) Do you like blue cheese? Nope.

2) Have you ever smoked heroin? Nope

I'm sitting here at 2:30 in the morning, Drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper (wishing I had some Amaretto for it) and listening to a man snore, and I'm thinking "How did I get here?".

I mean, I know how I got here... I live here. What I mean is, six months ago I was wondering how I was going to remember to brush my teeth, how I was going to remember to smile, how I was going to remember how to live... My heart ached with each thought, each breath, each motion.

Now, I am starting again, VERY HESITANTLY, I must say, but I am wondering and questioning each move I make to the extent that I am not sure why I am doing this again. It's not that he's a bad guy, or that he deserves to be raked over the coals, but there is this GIANT pink elephant in the room and no one is even noticing it.

I am so scared of making the same mistakes again that I was pushing him away before anything even started. That was beyond unfair to him, I know... But I am so terrified of hurting him. I was talking to a friend about this and she told me that I have to give him a chance. I mean, I want to and I am, but I am so scared. I'm scared of him hurting me, but more of me being super defensive and ruining what I have (or could have) with him.

I don't remember being scared when I started my other relationships. I was excited and happy. It feels like, I let myself forget about everything that happened in 2007 and I get feeling really good, and then something snaps me back and I put up a wall again.

I hope that My heart continues to heal so that I can really love again...

Tonight, He asked me what my dreams are. I replied with "I don't have dreams anymore, they are all nightmares." So he asked again, "No, Really. What are your dreams? What do you want more than anything?" I said, "Why?"

He said, "Because I want to make them come true."

And I am pushing this away?!?!?