Baby No More

My Little One is nearing her 3rd birthday. I am shocked daily by her knowledge and her skills as they develop and sharpen.

She is no longer my baby and not even My Little Girl, as she declares every time I try to call her that. She is my Big Girl! She is "growed up" and is "bigger than before".

I am stuck daily insisting on the afternoon nap, (the one that I DESPERATELY NEED), but she tells me, "Mommy, I no tired!" How do I apply logic to a 2 7/8th year old??? So we have a battle that leads me to keep hissing, "Get On That Couch!!!" and her to reply, "BUT I NO TIRED!!!" until one of us, (me), is too tired to fight, and then she falls asleep in her supper, or in the bath tub, or is a cantankerous turd until bedtime...

But would I really change it???

No.

She runs up to me, for no reason at all, and declares that I am the BEST MUMMY IN THE WORLD!!!

She gives the best hugs right now, and she can reach to tickle my neck.

She kisses and grabs my hand and dances and sings and everything that makes me smile when I need it the most.

In 12 Days, she will turn Three. She will officially be done Toddler-hood. She will be my (gulp!!!) Preschooler!

She is more ready for that than I am.

Don't mind me, I'll be in the corner, silently weeping for a minute! :-)

Good Bye my Baby! Hello My Big Girl!

Worry? Why Do I Let Myself Worry?

So I am a worrier.

I get it. It's a stupid thing to do. Worrying about something is not useful. It's not actually helping anything to worry. I totally get it.

So I am trying to be a happier person, and stop worrying.

But I am having such a hard time doing that.

I have a friend in her early 30's. She has a sweet and adorable almost 2 year old. She also has a dead husband. That happened suddenly, and with out warning. She has many reasons to worry. She is handling her situation better than I think I would. She is handling her situation better than I am handling any of mine...

Am I looking for a pity party??? I think I am, because when I'm at a party, life is okay. I don't feel alone. I have friends, Tangible friends. I know I have a lot of "acquaintances" and I have a select group of real honest Friends, but I have a suspicion that I keep shutting the door on the good ones, and they are slowly turning away.

I had a friend whom I ADORED!!! She was what I really wanted to be. Smart, approachable, independent, open-minded, funny, loyal, did I mention smart? I am not really sure how it happened, but we stopped going out, and then we stopped calling each other, and then we just stopped...

I miss her so much. I feel a bit lost with out her.

And So I Worry.... About the dumb things, and the big things and things like losing another friend like her.

Another evening is down the drain...

He Just did it again... After leaving this morning at 8am, he comes back at 7:30pm, sings his daughter a song, reads one story and leaves again.

He was at a bar with a dumbass "friend" of his, who I cannot stand, and He trash talks all the time, instead of coming home and eating supper with us. Then he informs me that he is leaving to go to his cousin's house instead of spending any time with me tonight.

When I show signs of being PISSED, he tells me, (regarding supper that he missed), "I didn't miss anything important!"

FML

No wonder I feel so alone and I am submerged in this depression.

Update: Situation kinda Critical...

Hi everyone, or no one as the case usually is...

I am kind of a big fucked up mess, which usually is when I do my best writing.

In September of 2010, I had what was supposed to be a "simple day surgery" and it went horribly wrong. I was in the hospital for almost 3 full weeks, fighting Sepsis and nearly dying and leaving that gorgeous baby girl without a mama. I came home in October of that year to home-care nurses changing my dressings 3 times a day, then 2 times a day in November, and finally no longer coming in December, Just before Christmas.

What did this teach me? I guess to do your homework and be a better-informed patient, and not take a Doctor's word all the time. Also, to appreciate everything that you have. I was so sad to not see my baby every day for the 3 weeks I was in the hospital. She had gone to live with my sister in Medicine Hat, Alberta while I was sick. I was nearly comatose when my Parents and Husband made the decision to send the baby there. I had no say in the matter, so when I woke up and she was gone, I was kinda pissed. Who Sends a Baby away from her Mother!?!?!? But I did understand the predicament that everyone was in. I just wish that She could have stayed here, Closer to me.

The year passes and turns into 2011... And this constant ache in my abdomen slowly fades, (the scars however remained pretty prominent), but I am still in a pretty severe funk.

I end up in the hospital again in October, this time as a Psychiatric patient. I am finally diagnosed as bipolar, (bipolar cyclothymia to be specific), and I am given a prescription for some drugs that FINALLY make me feel somewhat alright. I am particularly fond of my new sleeping pills, Zopiclone!

Which brings us to now.

I have a wonderful girl who is nearly 3 years old, and a husband who switched career paths almost a year ago, and now is working almost all the time, leaving me and the aforementioned child alone (in my opinion) way too often. I feel like a single parent. I know I'm not, and I should be grateful for the nights when the husband bathes the baby, but I always end up with the naughty behavior and the disrespectful outbursts that leave me feeling like a failure as a Mom.

Last week, my cat died. He has been sick, having liver and kidney failures, and it was his time to go. We had scheduled a vet appointment to have him put to sleep. He died the day before his appointment. He was sleeping in the kid's room, and He made this horrible noise. I went to find him, and he was having a seizure. He had 7 seizures in the hour that it took to get him to the vet and put down. Horrific. It was absolutely horrific. I laid on the floor beside him, petting and whispering to him that he was a good boy and I loved him, until someone came to watch the Kid so I could take the poor kitty to the Dr.

I had that stupid cat for nearly half of my life... He was the first Man in my life that I loved. I told him that all the time. He was the best pet you could have asked for. He was independent like all cats, but he still had a snuggly side. He was good to the baby and was super gentle, even when his poor tail or ears were being attacked.

I miss him so much, and I swear, I still see him out of the corner of my eye.

This dumb cat has set my mental health recovery back. I am sad every damn day.

How stupid is that.

Dedicated to the one I love

I think that it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and
When we kiss they're perfectly aligned.
And I have to speculate
That God himself did make
Us into corresponding shapes
Like puzzles pieces from the clay.
True, it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this
That catch my troubled head
When you're away
When I am missing you to death.
When you were out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home.

They will see us waving
from such great heights
"Come down now,"
They'll say.
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now,"
But we'll stay.

I've tried my best to leave
This all on your machine
But the persistent beat
Sounded thin upon listening
That frankly will not fly.
You will hear the shrillest highs
And lowest lows with the windows down
When this is guiding you home.

They will see us waving
From such great heights
"Come down now,"
They'll say.
But everything looks perfect
From far away
"Come down now,"
But we'll stay...