I have been in this weird place for a while regarding religion. I was born and raised a Catholic, and thought that I'd probably die one too. For many different reasons, I have come to realize that I have some issues with the philosophies of the church though. Some more than others, but they all have the ability to be deal breakers. Through all of this deliberation, my desire to be close to God and remain spiritual has always been constant. This is why I was excited about the worship freehouse, because it sounded like an open and tolerant environment to grow and expand in my spirituality. A place to find the resolve to face some of these decisions that I need to make.
I had a moment sitting there at the Freehouse last night. I was making a collage that represented my journey to find my image of God and I came across a picture of a little girl who looked like she just didn't give a damn anymore, and a woman in the background, out of focus. The image really struck me and I sat there for a moment thinking that the little girl represented me. I tore the picture out and on the page behind it was the word "Broken". I started to glue these images down and was thinking to myself 'this is almost too big a process... This is collaging, it's not supposed to be so emotional!' and then the next phrase I saw was the words "Baby Steps" I had to laugh out loud.
The collage also has what I affectionately call the "Catholic Corner". There is a picture of Pope JP2, and a photo of a girl who is half obscured by a frosted window. I put the word Forgotten by her because if I am to stay with the Catholic church, then I have to displace or forget about a part of me that disagrees with the church.
I feel like I can't turn my back on the church that gave me a large portion of my Identity. I feel guilty if I go to another church on Sunday. It just doesn't feel RIGHT. I have a sick relationship with Catholicism. We disagree on so many issues and ideals, yet I find a serene comfort in the mass. I go to church and sit for an hour, am able to recite the mass verbatim, (Thank you years of being an alter server), and yet I feel like I'm lying by being there. I'm lying to God, because I don't believe everything that is said, I'm lying to the congregation, because I'm not a part of their community, I'm lying to myself, because going to church with these issues unresolved isn't helping me find the answers I need.
If the Catholic Church were a man, all of my friends would be telling me that he's not worth it. That I could do better and that I deserve more. I deserve someone who understands me, and believes in what I do.
I had an amazing journey last night. I NEVER would have thought that tearing up fashion magazines would have such an emotional impact on me.
Not everyone im my life is as excited for me to attend though. A few people, friends and co-workers, have shown concern, even disdain, towards alternative worship. Travis worries that I will replace church with the Freehouse. He hasn't had a chance to attend yet, and I hope that he reserves his judgment until he meets the people involved in this process. His is the most important opinion to me.
The thing I just don't understand: Why is being spiritual without religion such a touchy subject for people?
3 comments:
Preach it, girl. I'm right there with ya. Great post.
I can understand where you're coming from. I fell away from the Catholic church as a teenager, becoming a bitter agnostic. I was born again three years ago once I realized, by associating with Christian businessmen, that my relationship with God isn't "through" the church but around it and directly with Him. I was letting the church and its tradition, dogma come between me and Him.
Today, church services - I attend a Baptist church right now - has been a place for celebration, worship, community and a weekly escape from the world. I now realize that my relationship is a personal knowledge and friendship with God and not "the church".
In this way, I have become a spiritual person, not religious.
If you want more information on what direction I believe the "church" should take, check out Halifax pastor Lennett Anderson. There's more information on him here: http://saskfishtales.blogspot.com/2006/02/cbc-goes-christian-thank-you-jesus.html
You know my dear, life isn't always cut and dry, and sometimes you just have to see where life takes you and not worry so much on how you get there. Believe me stress will give you a "hunchback of notre dame" type hump on your back and it's a bitch to get rid of it!
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